“My Child Won’t Talk About Their Feelings” — 6 Things You Can Try
Whether you know for sure that your child or teen is struggling with something, or you can rely on your intuition to sense that they’re feeling strong emotions, you may have had the experience of attempting to check in with them and hearing some variation of:
I’m fine
Stop asking me
I don’t want to talk about it
Leave me alone
What do you want from me?
I’m not upset
Go away!
Why are you asking me that?
I don’t know
Nothing is wrong / Nothing happened
It’s not uncommon for kids/teens to respond like this, but it can create substantial anxiety for parents and caregivers whose thoughts start to swirl around why their child is reticent to share and the many what if’s that go along with it. Real-life concerns around bullying, healthy friendships, coping skills, depression/anxiety, social media/phone use, secrets, or social-emotional learning being negatively impacted or stalled may immediately come to mind.
It’s hard for anyone to hear, “nothing is wrong”, especially if you can see and feel that something is off. All you want is to make the person you care about feel better in moments like these. Sometimes, this can lead to unhelpful responses on the parent/caregiver end:
Continuously asking, prodding, forcing, or pushing conversation
Withdrawing, disconnecting, stonewalling
Personalizing (focusing on how they are hurting you)
Blaming, shaming, guilting, yelling, or threatening
Punishing or giving consequences
Joking, rewarding, treating, playing, gifting
Think about your own experiences with not wanting to share with someone right away. How do/did those around you handle it? What was your reason for not wanting to share? What did/do you find helpful in moments like this? It’s first important to understand that there’s many reasons why kids and teens might not immediately share how they feel:
They’re still figuring it out, aren’t yet sure of how they feel, and need time to process
Some kids are just naturally more shy, introverted, or slower to open up about their feelings
They need their parent or caregiver to tolerate their need for emotional space and are testing out how safe it is to say “no”
They’ve experienced their parent/caregiver/other adults offering solutions, advice, fixes, or feel-good responses in the past, and they don’t want to worry/disappoint/anger/cause unease in the adult
They’re tired, hungry, or have another need to meet before they feel energized or regulated enough to talk about their feelings
They’re holding back out of fear they’ll be in trouble
Here are 6 things you can try that promote gentle support and connection.
1) Parallel Activities
Times where you can talk while focusing on something else, such as driving, walking, playing, cooking, making art, etc. can offer opportunities to take the intensity out of conversations and make tough topics feel more approachable.
2) Create Together
Similar to above, engaging in creative outlets such as drawing, painting, sculpting, building, etc. can help with lowering pressure to talk directly and offer a more nonverbal means of communication. With younger kids, you can wonder if they might share what’s on their mind with you by using their toys or drawing a picture. With older kids or teens, side-by-side creative activities such as crochet or baking may encourage open dialogue or natural opportunities to discuss feelings that often arise in the process like frustration. Keeping a shared family journal where kids can write anything they feel (with the promise they won’t get in trouble, be judged, etc.) is another way to connect that feels safe and fun.
3) Open Up Yourself
It’s easy to focus on kids’ issues and challenges and forget that we have also struggled – and still do – with many things. Opening up about your feelings isn’t about dumping unprocessed material onto your child or downplaying their experience by sharing our own stories. It’s about remembering that the rejection at work, the friend that didn’t include you, the judgmental coach, the regretful mistake, the crush that didn’t like you back, or time you tried to fit in with a certain social group but it didn’t feel right are all potential opportunities to model vulnerability and potentially increase connection.
4) Tell the Story
Simply reflecting the “story” during a calm moment can be effective. Something like: “Yesterday, you came home from school, and you didn’t make eye contact with me. I asked how you were and you didn’t want to talk. You looked sad. You sat alone outside for a while. You were quiet at dinner and went to bed early.” There’s no judgment or additional details here, there’s only the retelling of a simple narrative. Summarizing and reflecting a story of what happened can help a person integrate a difficult experience. Leaving room for them to respond can sometimes open the door for communication.
5) Be There - On Their Terms
A simple, “I can tell something is wrong and I’m here to listen when you want to talk about it” can be enough. As much as we want them to share with us, we also need to accept that the only thing we can control is how safe, loved, and supported we make them feel. Certain things are just difficult to talk about, and we can also reflect that we understand this. Letting a child know that we’re always available when they feel ready to share can allow them room to feel their feelings without pressure.
6) Seek Support
If your child/teen is regularly unable to identify or share their emotions, seem frequently withdrawn, overwhelmed, upset, or dysregulated, or are beginning to utilize new, unwanted behaviors as a means of expressing/suppressing feelings, it may be helpful for them to process with a therapist.
Using these strategies may reinforce trust, connection, and safety between you and your child, but sometimes, a therapist is needed for some additional support around learning communication or coping skills, managing anger, identifying/processing emotions, building social skills, or supporting parents in developing healthier, calmer approaches to the many challenges that emerge while raising children.
I provide in-person and virtual art therapy in Montclair, NJ to to children, teens, adults, and parents. If you’re interested to learn how art therapy might support you or your loved one, reach out below - I’d love to hear from you.
